I met some friends today. My body was there with them, hugging them, kissing them, laughing. I felt empty. I know I'll feel guilty for what I'm about to write but I just can't help it. I felt distant from everything and, more sadly, to everyone mostly. What's worse is that I don't feel bad about it. We talked about our projects, our plans for the future and I saw the gap between me and them widen more and more. I felt suffocating. I realized I just couldn't live someone else's life, not theirs at least. To me the thought of staying here another two years is definitely unconceivable. This does not mean I don't approve of what they've decided for their future in Italy. I support them and encourage them when I know the reasons lying behind those choices. And listening to them I figured that's what they want and should pursue. And I wish they'll get it. Truly.
I think this change in my attitude towards this city is not directly related to my experience in Iceland. Way before I went there I knew I wasn't gonna be in Milan any longer. It feels weirdly familiar and reassuring being here though, sitting at this desk, looking outside the window, listening to Ben Harper's Live on Mars. Well, this music is new to me, let's say it warms my spirit.
However, I admit I'm sure a few of the guys I met for lunch have earned a special place in my heart and I know that I'll keep in touch with them no matter what. It's probably 'cos we're like-minded and we kinda have the same vision about life. Quite rare, isn't it? I treasure them.
Later tonight I met a very special friend (with benefits I might add). It was very sweet. He is very sweet. I always have a great time when we're together. Strange enough, nobody knows about us and what has been going on for the three months before I left to Reykjavìk - apart from a couple of witnesses I happen to live with -. Nobody has a clue. We kept it so well hidden. We don't know why. We just did and we didn't want anybody else to be part of our intimacy and love.
I checked my email. I found something from someone I was sort of expecting it. I knew she'd have written first. I could so see it in her eyes when I left the guesthouses on Monday, although tears made the picture a bit blurry. I had a feeling this afternoon and was sure I'd receive it. I wish her all the best and I am very sorry I did not help her through more than what I did. I truly miss her and the guys. I'm still in the way-too-emotional phase right now to write about this, so I'll just change subject. There is no need to pin it down to words, we share something that goes beyond that.
So, the Australia thing seems to go through alright. I got some positive hints from the staff in uni, so I can confdently book the ticket next week when I'm home.
I called home today. My dog Pablo died last night. Mother found it lifeless in his kennel. Dad dug a hole in the garden and laid him in it. I guess they should've called the vet and have him taken away but my father is just not the kind of man who would do that. Not with his own pets.
It's so hot in here. We've flung the windows wide open but mosquitos are buzzing in. My body will take some time to adjust to the new temperature and this goddamn humidity. Whatever, I guess they call it summer...
I think this change in my attitude towards this city is not directly related to my experience in Iceland. Way before I went there I knew I wasn't gonna be in Milan any longer. It feels weirdly familiar and reassuring being here though, sitting at this desk, looking outside the window, listening to Ben Harper's Live on Mars. Well, this music is new to me, let's say it warms my spirit.
However, I admit I'm sure a few of the guys I met for lunch have earned a special place in my heart and I know that I'll keep in touch with them no matter what. It's probably 'cos we're like-minded and we kinda have the same vision about life. Quite rare, isn't it? I treasure them.
Later tonight I met a very special friend (with benefits I might add). It was very sweet. He is very sweet. I always have a great time when we're together. Strange enough, nobody knows about us and what has been going on for the three months before I left to Reykjavìk - apart from a couple of witnesses I happen to live with -. Nobody has a clue. We kept it so well hidden. We don't know why. We just did and we didn't want anybody else to be part of our intimacy and love.
I checked my email. I found something from someone I was sort of expecting it. I knew she'd have written first. I could so see it in her eyes when I left the guesthouses on Monday, although tears made the picture a bit blurry. I had a feeling this afternoon and was sure I'd receive it. I wish her all the best and I am very sorry I did not help her through more than what I did. I truly miss her and the guys. I'm still in the way-too-emotional phase right now to write about this, so I'll just change subject. There is no need to pin it down to words, we share something that goes beyond that.
So, the Australia thing seems to go through alright. I got some positive hints from the staff in uni, so I can confdently book the ticket next week when I'm home.
I called home today. My dog Pablo died last night. Mother found it lifeless in his kennel. Dad dug a hole in the garden and laid him in it. I guess they should've called the vet and have him taken away but my father is just not the kind of man who would do that. Not with his own pets.
It's so hot in here. We've flung the windows wide open but mosquitos are buzzing in. My body will take some time to adjust to the new temperature and this goddamn humidity. Whatever, I guess they call it summer...
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