Tonight was fun. I went out for an "aperitivo" at Twelve with G. and some guys. Great time. Then we went to Borgo. Same old shit, just the venue was changed a little.
As we were parking the car we almost ran over A., a ghost from my past. It'd been exactly one year since I last met him. He was as cute and manly as ever. I completely shut down. Like I wasn't speaking or moving, simply motionless and frozen. But that was just for the first 12 seconds, after which I just played it cool and stepped out of the car v. nonchalantly. I saw him in the club, you know, just took some glimpses here and there. I saw him smiling. I remembered why I'd fallen for him.
It was really scary, like moving around and having fun with guys constantly checking out for him. What should I've said in case we'd met? Should I have given him some hints about my remote and well-hidden "feelings" for him or just play it cool and go with the flow like nothing had ever happened?
I'm sure I'm making a big deal about something meaningless and long-gone. I just can't help it.
When I smelled his perfume on some guy that walked by me, there it was, everything he represented to me came out again. A lump in my throat. A knot in my stomach.
I should really start living like G. does, who claims he does not have feelings whatsoever and just make the most of life (and guys). "Feelings? What feelings? Those things that are like stickers in your brain and blur your vision? No, thanks... You know that I don't do that".
Maybe he's right. Maybe I'm too young to have feelings and engage in any sort of relationship.
Yet something inside me still whispers to keep doing things my way...
Tomorrow I'm going back to my parents' house and I'll stay there for a few days. I'm happy. Weird, uh? Ever since I moved to Milan I never felt the need to come back and see them, not even for Christmas. Now I feel like seeing them and talking to them. Let's see how it goes.
As we were parking the car we almost ran over A., a ghost from my past. It'd been exactly one year since I last met him. He was as cute and manly as ever. I completely shut down. Like I wasn't speaking or moving, simply motionless and frozen. But that was just for the first 12 seconds, after which I just played it cool and stepped out of the car v. nonchalantly. I saw him in the club, you know, just took some glimpses here and there. I saw him smiling. I remembered why I'd fallen for him.
It was really scary, like moving around and having fun with guys constantly checking out for him. What should I've said in case we'd met? Should I have given him some hints about my remote and well-hidden "feelings" for him or just play it cool and go with the flow like nothing had ever happened?
I'm sure I'm making a big deal about something meaningless and long-gone. I just can't help it.
When I smelled his perfume on some guy that walked by me, there it was, everything he represented to me came out again. A lump in my throat. A knot in my stomach.
I should really start living like G. does, who claims he does not have feelings whatsoever and just make the most of life (and guys). "Feelings? What feelings? Those things that are like stickers in your brain and blur your vision? No, thanks... You know that I don't do that".
Maybe he's right. Maybe I'm too young to have feelings and engage in any sort of relationship.
Yet something inside me still whispers to keep doing things my way...
Tomorrow I'm going back to my parents' house and I'll stay there for a few days. I'm happy. Weird, uh? Ever since I moved to Milan I never felt the need to come back and see them, not even for Christmas. Now I feel like seeing them and talking to them. Let's see how it goes.
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