I know I haven't been productive lately. I haven't written that much and I regret it. Ever since I created this blog I've felt much better. Supposedly it's therapeutic to me. I think it helps me think and reflect about a myriad of things. Not only about me (mostly, though) but about the people that have gladly entered my life, those who unfortunately did and those who unfortunately did not.
I feel lost right now. I haven't felt this low in a long long while, believe me. I think this physical stress I've been going thru lately has started to have some very bad negative effects on my sanity. Really.
First of allI have no sexual stimuli. And don't laugh at that cos it's serious. I can't even wank. You must some fantasy, some nasty rough-necked man in your head you can always call when you need to. Well, that bed is empty. It's been so for a while. No libido. Whatever...
Secondly, I am no longer willing to engage in long conversations with people I'm somehow attracted to or that have shown some kind of interest in me. I simply don't care anymore.
I so wish I could come back to Iceland when things were so in the right place and life was smiling back at me.
I've been staring at this blank page for a bit. I observed the blinking cursor on the screen. I'm gonna have an epilectic fit shortly, I can tell you for sure.
The thing is that I've been repeating myself that I don't believe in IT and I don't need IT anymore cos I'm a grown-up now, I'm emotionally independent and solid, free and I'm so fine by myself that I ended up believing it. Moreover I turned into that. And now I'm having a hard time adjusting to some of these aspects.
I've become so emotionally rigid, so stiff that I fear I wouldn't even be able to create bonds with anyone now. It's like I sealed myself up. Nothing and nobody can penetrate me. Literally also. Thank god I still have my sick sense of humor.
I even avoided calling G. I don't know how he's actually doing. It's been so long since we sat down and talked about us. Not US but just ME on the one hand and HIM on the other.
Despite all this sick sad things, I can still have fun at home with my flatmates and I'm enjoying myself quite a lot. O. cries sometimes but I guess it's her right to act silly every now and then. I can't go out very often 'cos a) I'm broke b) I've got too much stuff to do c) I'm simply not in the mood.
I just hope time will roll fast and I won't even realize it's the end of July, exams are gone, thesis is in progress.
I might leave to Sydney earlier than planned. Early August maybe. I'm ready. The whole Australia thing is not of much concern. I'm pretty self-confident about it.
I'm a wreck. When I study real hard I'm not myself anymore. I just read the paranoias above. My rants. I'd smash something right now. I'm afraid to meet people. People sure wouldn't wanna mess with me tonight. I might punch them. I'm not a violent person, not at all, but I might be harmful tonight. Nervous breakdown? Maybe. I'll let you know the prognosis.
Truth is I have so much rage inside. I don't know where it comes from and how to get rid of it, how to release it. I used to have sex . It helped. Now I think the priest I just sent my apostasy letter* to fucks more than me.
Tonight I received 8 messages on my gaydar profile. They all aimed at one thing in one way or another. You know what I would do? I'd let them in, I'd drink a beer, chill out. And then, just when they were making their move on me, I'd unzip their fly, rip their dicks off and put them dangling outside my fucking window!!!!!!!!!!!
I know I shouldn't be this aggressive (I'm not!) but what shall I do? This is what I feel like and I can't hide it. I'm nervous, tensed up. An emotional wreck. Please forgive me. Fuck no! Don't forgive me!
*Yes, I did. I downloaded a document from the internet and sent it to my former priest. Therein I state I was baptized because it is common in my society and my parents did it cos it is conventional behavior. Now I've made a well-though decision and I want my name to be canceled from my church book. I'm a free man! But I won't be able to go to the limbo and have sex with all the handsome Greek athlets that lived before Christ. Damn it!!!
First of allI have no sexual stimuli. And don't laugh at that cos it's serious. I can't even wank. You must some fantasy, some nasty rough-necked man in your head you can always call when you need to. Well, that bed is empty. It's been so for a while. No libido. Whatever...
Secondly, I am no longer willing to engage in long conversations with people I'm somehow attracted to or that have shown some kind of interest in me. I simply don't care anymore.
I so wish I could come back to Iceland when things were so in the right place and life was smiling back at me.
I've been staring at this blank page for a bit. I observed the blinking cursor on the screen. I'm gonna have an epilectic fit shortly, I can tell you for sure.
The thing is that I've been repeating myself that I don't believe in IT and I don't need IT anymore cos I'm a grown-up now, I'm emotionally independent and solid, free and I'm so fine by myself that I ended up believing it. Moreover I turned into that. And now I'm having a hard time adjusting to some of these aspects.
I've become so emotionally rigid, so stiff that I fear I wouldn't even be able to create bonds with anyone now. It's like I sealed myself up. Nothing and nobody can penetrate me. Literally also. Thank god I still have my sick sense of humor.
I even avoided calling G. I don't know how he's actually doing. It's been so long since we sat down and talked about us. Not US but just ME on the one hand and HIM on the other.
Despite all this sick sad things, I can still have fun at home with my flatmates and I'm enjoying myself quite a lot. O. cries sometimes but I guess it's her right to act silly every now and then. I can't go out very often 'cos a) I'm broke b) I've got too much stuff to do c) I'm simply not in the mood.
I just hope time will roll fast and I won't even realize it's the end of July, exams are gone, thesis is in progress.
I might leave to Sydney earlier than planned. Early August maybe. I'm ready. The whole Australia thing is not of much concern. I'm pretty self-confident about it.
I'm a wreck. When I study real hard I'm not myself anymore. I just read the paranoias above. My rants. I'd smash something right now. I'm afraid to meet people. People sure wouldn't wanna mess with me tonight. I might punch them. I'm not a violent person, not at all, but I might be harmful tonight. Nervous breakdown? Maybe. I'll let you know the prognosis.
Truth is I have so much rage inside. I don't know where it comes from and how to get rid of it, how to release it. I used to have sex . It helped. Now I think the priest I just sent my apostasy letter* to fucks more than me.
Tonight I received 8 messages on my gaydar profile. They all aimed at one thing in one way or another. You know what I would do? I'd let them in, I'd drink a beer, chill out. And then, just when they were making their move on me, I'd unzip their fly, rip their dicks off and put them dangling outside my fucking window!!!!!!!!!!!
I know I shouldn't be this aggressive (I'm not!) but what shall I do? This is what I feel like and I can't hide it. I'm nervous, tensed up. An emotional wreck. Please forgive me. Fuck no! Don't forgive me!
*Yes, I did. I downloaded a document from the internet and sent it to my former priest. Therein I state I was baptized because it is common in my society and my parents did it cos it is conventional behavior. Now I've made a well-though decision and I want my name to be canceled from my church book. I'm a free man! But I won't be able to go to the limbo and have sex with all the handsome Greek athlets that lived before Christ. Damn it!!!
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