Negative

Sometimes it's me. I mean it's my fault. It seems that I have a penchant for pushing good things away for fear of being brought down, being stomped upon and feeling cellularly alone again. But it also looks like I'm some sort of masochist. Indeed I'm starting to wonder whether not only I'm excellent at this but I also enjoy it.
I have been seeing someone. Although he seems very nice and certainly is good looking and witty, I've been acting quite cold. I enjoy going around with him. He makes me laugh. His posse is not bad either.
This guy has been quite straightforward to me. He likes me and is attracted to me. He told me. And so am I. We haven't even touched each other. I prefer... other activities. We have lots of things in common, same interests, different stories. Probably he's not boyfriend material but I enjoy his company, talking to him til late at night and everything. Yet I wanna wait. I don't even know what I'm waiting for. Maybe a miracle?
I keep making up excuses with him and with myself not to let my emotions take over. I don't know why I am so resistive to happiness and to flirting.
The right thing to do at this point would just be to let it be.
Why then do I have a lump in my throat everytime things start to dance in the right direction? Why can't I just move on and go with the flow? What is it that stops me? What has been making me a slut for almost three years now without being able to build a healthy and adult relationship?
Why am I being so negative for fuck's sake?

As you might have noticed, I've published some lyrics lately. Here is another one. It's a song whose words fit quite well my emotional state. It's called Heaven out of hell

So are you turning around your mind?
do you think the sun won't shine this time?
are you breathing only half of the air?
are you giving only half of a chance?
Don't you wanna shake because you love
cry because you care
feel 'cause you're alive
sleep because you're tired?

make heaven, heaven out of hell now

Are you locked up in you counting the days?
oh how long untill you have your freedom?
just shake because you love
cry because you care
feel 'cause you're alive
sleep because you're tired
shake because you love
bleed 'cause you got hurt
die because you lived

make heaven, heaven out of hell now

are you still turning around the same thing?
are you still trying that way?
are you still praying the same prayers?
are you still waiting for that same day to come?

climbing the same mountain
you're not getting higher
you're running after yourself
can't let go
hiding in that place you don't wanna be
you push happiness so far away
but it comes back
to give you all that you've given before
to love you the way that you do, like a mirror
look in the air 'n catch that boomerang
it can't fall anywhere else but in your own hand

and make heaven
heaven out of hell now
make heaven
heaven out of hell now
are you still waiting?
make heaven
heaven out of hell now
are you still praying?
make heaven
heaven out of hell now
are you still losing?
make heaven
heaven out of hell now
make heaven
heaven out of hell now
I wanna fly because
I dream