...

I met some friends today. My body was there with them, hugging them, kissing them, laughing. I felt empty. I know I'll feel guilty for what I'm about to write but I just can't help it. I felt distant from everything and, more sadly, to everyone mostly. What's worse is that I don't feel bad about it. We talked about our projects, our plans for the future and I saw the gap between me and them widen more and more. I felt suffocating. I realized I just couldn't live someone else's life, not theirs at least. To me the thought of staying here another two years is definitely unconceivable. This does not mean I don't approve of what they've decided for their future in Italy. I support them and encourage them when I know the reasons lying behind those choices. And listening to them I figured that's what they want and should pursue. And I wish they'll get it. Truly.
I think this change in my attitude towards this city is not directly related to my experience in Iceland. Way before I went there I knew I wasn't gonna be in Milan any longer. It feels weirdly familiar and reassuring being here though, sitting at this desk, looking outside the window, listening to Ben Harper's Live on Mars. Well, this music is new to me, let's say it warms my spirit.

However, I admit I'm sure a few of the guys I met for lunch have earned a special place in my heart and I know that I'll keep in touch with them no matter what. It's probably 'cos we're like-minded and we kinda have the same vision about life. Quite rare, isn't it? I treasure them.

Later tonight I met a very special friend (with benefits I might add). It was very sweet. He is very sweet. I always have a great time when we're together. Strange enough, nobody knows about us and what has been going on for the three months before I left to Reykjavìk - apart from a couple of witnesses I happen to live with -. Nobody has a clue. We kept it so well hidden. We don't know why. We just did and we didn't want anybody else to be part of our intimacy and love.

I checked my email. I found something from someone I was sort of expecting it. I knew she'd have written first. I could so see it in her eyes when I left the guesthouses on Monday, although tears made the picture a bit blurry. I had a feeling this afternoon and was sure I'd receive it. I wish her all the best and I am very sorry I did not help her through more than what I did. I truly miss her and the guys. I'm still in the way-too-emotional phase right now to write about this, so I'll just change subject. There is no need to pin it down to words, we share something that goes beyond that.

So, the Australia thing seems to go through alright. I got some positive hints from the staff in uni, so I can confdently book the ticket next week when I'm home.

I called home today. My dog Pablo died last night. Mother found it lifeless in his kennel. Dad dug a hole in the garden and laid him in it. I guess they should've called the vet and have him taken away but my father is just not the kind of man who would do that. Not with his own pets.

It's so hot in here. We've flung the windows wide open but mosquitos are buzzing in. My body will take some time to adjust to the new temperature and this goddamn humidity. Whatever, I guess they call it summer...

Adjusting...

It was harder than I believed.
I'm at home in Milan. It's been tough. Especially the first flight, the one from Keplavìk.
I touched the porthole as if to say goodbye to the land. It's just over. It's not gonna be the same again.
I spent the night in London, pretty confused and feeling for the first time in ohhh such a long time, a bit lonely.
I met a Canadian guy, very smart and cute, J. from Winnipeg. I really hope we'll keep in touch. He seemed v. nice. It was nice talking to him and forgetting the whole goodbye thing for a little while.
It took me forever to arrive at home. And I spent a helluva lot of money (13300 kr + £ 165 for extra luggage - it's not a mistake, you're reading correctly).
I slept a bit this afternoon right after having some lasagne at Gab's place.
I spent the evening with G. It's been better than what I remembered. V. good time with him. It's always nice to confront yourself with someone you can be fully transparent with. It's like you can really be 100% yourself and not being judged but simply advised. I think that's also one of the reasons why sometimes I feel attracted to guys in their thirties, older than me. It feels like they can teach me something or lead me to the right direction. It feels reassuring.
I came to think also that in younger guys there's always that innocent, lively and so powerful aspect. The restlessness, the joy, the creativity, the ideas, the projects, the willingness to do and try as much as life offers. That really belongs to us. To me at least.
On the way back from G.'s place I casually bumped into some guys from uni I hadn't seen in months. It was so weirdly exciting to meet them after so much time. They'd been to Hong Kong, L.A., Belgium. Tomorrow we're gonna have a sort of welcome back lunch together. I look forward to that.
Yet my mind keeps obsessing me with Iceland. So many faces. So many laughters. So much of... everything. I wonder where they are - Copenhagen, Helsinki, Reykjavìk, Minnesota... - and what they're doing, with whom they are. It's over now.
Milan's streets look so familiar yet so faraway. I walked around the city tonight. The air was really warm and made me sweat. Here is no sea, no chilly breeze, no new languages and unknown sounds. But it takes very little to bring them back to life. I just gotta close my eyes.

(Hyvää) Syntymäpäivää

I just found myself crying in the shower like a baby.

It's my 22nd birthday, would you believe it?
Last night the guys left here in the guesthouse have prepared a dinner for me and a yummy cake (despite the fact that it was made by the Finns, it was scrmptious!). Then some people came to the party but not many showed up probably 'cos there were other three parties - or simply because they can't stand my presence, ahahah! -.
Anyway, we all moved to some Germans' place and it got quickly really crowded. I met almost everybody. It was a sort of farewell/birthday party. I had a great time.
I really love these guys.
Later we - correction - I went to the gay ball. Let's just say it was ok. (If the Alina's sexblog's idea goes through, last night will require a very long post... :p ).
And today still half hungover we sunbathed for a while then moved our butts to the swimming pool close to the university. It's been lovely.

Now it's time to say goodbye. I don't know exactly how I feel. I'm happy and I wanna laugh. I'm sad and I wanna cry. It's certainly a birthday I won't easily forget.
Maria and BlueKaisa just said goodbye in front of me in this very moment.
It's weird cos... I don't know. I'm gonna have so many good memories of this time here and I should be thankful and cheerful. Instead I'm crying like a baby.
Christ, this is all so fuckin' emo.
I just have to think of this not as the epilogue but as a new "phase", a new period of my life. Jesus, it's not the end of the world.
Sonja's left. I went to Jonas and Leif's place. I did what I had to. Smile. I didn't see Leif. Maybe tomorrow morning, who knows. I'd be sorry if I weren't to see him before I leave.

(I still have to pack. Ops.)

I don't feel like writing. Let's just get it over with for fuck's sake.
But wouldn't it be nice if everybody were able to say goodbye smiling and hugging and laughing and yeah!???

****Fuck I hate crying****