Long way to happy

One night to you
Lasted six weeks for me
Just a bitter little pill now
Just to try to go to sleep
No more waking up to innocence
Say hello to hesitance
To everyone I meet
Thanks to you years ago
I guess I'll never know
What love means to me but oh
I'll keep on rolling down this road
But I've got a bad, bad feeling

It's gonna take a long time to love
It's gonna take a lot to hold on
It's gonna be a long way to happy, yeah
Left in the pieces that you broke me into
Torn apart but now I've got to
Keep on rolling like a stone
Cause it's gonna be a long long way to happy

Left my childhood behind
In a roll away bed
Everything was so damn simple
Now I'm losing my head
Trying to cover up the damage
And pad out all the bruises
To young to know I had it
So it didn't hurt to lose it
Didn't hurt to lose it
(Didn't learn to lose it)
Didn't learn to lose it
No but oh
I'll keep on rolling down this road
But I've got a bad, bad feeling

It's gonna take a long time to love
It's gonna take a lot to hold on
It's gonna be a long way to happy, yeah
Left in the pieces that you broke me into
Torn apart but now I've got to
Keep on rolling like a stone
Cause it's gonna be a long long way

Now I'm numb as hell and I can't feel a thing
But don't worry about regret or guilt cause I never knew your name
I just want to thank you
Thank you
From the bottom of my heart
For all the sleepless nights
And for tearing me apart yeah yeah

It's gonna take a long time to love
It's gonna take a lot to hold on
It's gonna be a long way to happy, yeah
Left in the pieces that you broke me into
Torn apart but now I've got to
Keep on rolling like a stone
Cause it's gonna be a long long way to happy

It's gonna take a long time to love
It's gonna take a lot to hold on
It's gonna be a long long long long way to happy, yeah yeah
Left inthe pieces that you broke me into
Torn apart but now I've got to
Keep on rolling like a stone
Cause it's gonna be a long long way to happy (happy, happy, happy)
Cause it's gonna be a long long way to happy (happy, happy, happy)

Breathe me

Help, I have done it again
I have been here many times before
Hurt myself again today
And, the worst part is there's no-one else to blame

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
and needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

Ouch I have lost myself again
Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found,
Yeah I think that I might break
I've lost myself again and I feel unsafe

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
and needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
and needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

Dicks dangling out my window

I know I haven't been productive lately. I haven't written that much and I regret it. Ever since I created this blog I've felt much better. Supposedly it's therapeutic to me. I think it helps me think and reflect about a myriad of things. Not only about me (mostly, though) but about the people that have gladly entered my life, those who unfortunately did and those who unfortunately did not.

I feel lost right now. I haven't felt this low in a long long while, believe me. I think this physical stress I've been going thru lately has started to have some very bad negative effects on my sanity. Really.
First of allI have no sexual stimuli. And don't laugh at that cos it's serious. I can't even wank. You must some fantasy, some nasty rough-necked man in your head you can always call when you need to. Well, that bed is empty. It's been so for a while. No libido. Whatever...
Secondly, I am no longer willing to engage in long conversations with people I'm somehow attracted to or that have shown some kind of interest in me. I simply don't care anymore.

I so wish I could come back to Iceland when things were so in the right place and life was smiling back at me.

I've been staring at this blank page for a bit. I observed the blinking cursor on the screen. I'm gonna have an epilectic fit shortly, I can tell you for sure.

The thing is that I've been repeating myself that I don't believe in IT and I don't need IT anymore cos I'm a grown-up now, I'm emotionally independent and solid, free and I'm so fine by myself that I ended up believing it. Moreover I turned into that. And now I'm having a hard time adjusting to some of these aspects.
I've become so emotionally rigid, so stiff that I fear I wouldn't even be able to create bonds with anyone now. It's like I sealed myself up. Nothing and nobody can penetrate me. Literally also. Thank god I still have my sick sense of humor.
I even avoided calling G. I don't know how he's actually doing. It's been so long since we sat down and talked about us. Not US but just ME on the one hand and HIM on the other.

Despite all this sick sad things, I can still have fun at home with my flatmates and I'm enjoying myself quite a lot. O. cries sometimes but I guess it's her right to act silly every now and then. I can't go out very often 'cos a) I'm broke b) I've got too much stuff to do c) I'm simply not in the mood.

I just hope time will roll fast and I won't even realize it's the end of July, exams are gone, thesis is in progress.
I might leave to Sydney earlier than planned. Early August maybe. I'm ready. The whole Australia thing is not of much concern. I'm pretty self-confident about it.

I'm a wreck. When I study real hard I'm not myself anymore. I just read the paranoias above. My rants. I'd smash something right now. I'm afraid to meet people. People sure wouldn't wanna mess with me tonight. I might punch them. I'm not a violent person, not at all, but I might be harmful tonight. Nervous breakdown? Maybe. I'll let you know the prognosis.
Truth is I have so much rage inside. I don't know where it comes from and how to get rid of it, how to release it. I used to have sex . It helped. Now I think the priest I just sent my apostasy letter* to fucks more than me.
Tonight I received 8 messages on my gaydar profile. They all aimed at one thing in one way or another. You know what I would do? I'd let them in, I'd drink a beer, chill out. And then, just when they were making their move on me, I'd unzip their fly, rip their dicks off and put them dangling outside my fucking window!!!!!!!!!!!
I know I shouldn't be this aggressive (I'm not!) but what shall I do? This is what I feel like and I can't hide it. I'm nervous, tensed up. An emotional wreck. Please forgive me. Fuck no! Don't forgive me!



*Yes, I did. I downloaded a document from the internet and sent it to my former priest. Therein I state I was baptized because it is common in my society and my parents did it cos it is conventional behavior. Now I've made a well-though decision and I want my name to be canceled from my church book. I'm a free man! But I won't be able to go to the limbo and have sex with all the handsome Greek athlets that lived before Christ. Damn it!!!

Flat

Something's wrong with me. Lately I've been suffering from severe and sudden headaches. Hope it'll all go away soon. Nothing special has happened these days. I've been home, studying rather hard, planning things, organizing everything for departure and above all for my arrival to Sydney.
I kinda have this pretty flat daily routines, which gives me a lot of energy and motivation, but also feels a little dull sometimes.
I heard from G. He sounded ok. Still in the I-don't-know-what-to-do-with-my-sorry-ass phase. I'm sure he'll manage to work it out alright.
I started moving my stuff back home. I think I took home even the porn. And I'm pretty positive I left the whole goody things in one box for everybody to enjoy. Ops. I guess next time they won't browse through my stuff.
A hilarious event happened on Friday, when I came back to Milan. I slept on the train, rather heavily I'd say. BlueKaisa would point out my mouth was drooling. Anyway I was rather sleepy and disorientated when I stepped off the train in Central Station. I casually ran into a dog, which started sniffing my bag full of scrumptious stuff I'd stolen from my mum's fridge. I don't know how that happen but I was suddenly being dragged into a hidden office by some sort of police officer who frisked me and kept screaming at me, yelling I should give them all the dope I had with me. They checked out my luggage, my bags and everything and after some threats I didn't quite comprehend (still v. tired and sleepy) they finally let me go.
It was so embarassing cos frankly I didn't initially know what was going on and what they wanted from me. It was like: Sir, please follow us. And I was: Sure, what is it for?
So naive. Silly Luca.
Oh gosh. I think I'll order Chinese and get back to studying.
Ola says the Football World Cup has started and tonight Italy is playing. I had better find out what this is all about. By football they mean soccer, right? The cute brainless guys chasing the ball? And they're coming from all over? Really? Where?

Doubts

For the second time in my short life, at the same occasion, I met Silvio Berlusconi.
I don't know whether to be ashamed or amused.