No!

No!!!!!!!!!!

I'm missing Iceland!

Today’s rule: Always do have something to complain about, even when everything is going smoothly.

Yes!

Yes!!!!!!

Good stuff

"I'm tellin' you boy, you wasted your time on 'em, the good stuff's right here..."


It just feels sooo good...
Watching him sleep beside me last night felt just great. So... home, so real, so reassuring.
I'm not completely sure where this will lead to but to be honest I don't bother to know. Just let it be.

Let it finally be. Whatever it is.

Hot

It's getting hot in herrrrre....

Butterflies

Sometimes it's so nice to out with some old friend and talk, catch up and swap imformation. It enriches you and gives a lot to think about, calmly reflect upon and clears your vision about things. Last night M. and I went out for a drink and a bite to eat in a v. weird place, v. cozy though. We hadn't seen each other in a couple of weeks, or maybe something more than that, and both had fresh news and considerations to give one another. After we go out many times it happens that I suddenly find the solution to a problem, realize something important or make substantial decisions. Last night was no exception. We were speaking of butterflies. There are surely different kinds of them. They come from different places of our human mind. And somehow you can't really compare these diverse species cos they're never the same. However, we both know what it feels like and how you sense when they're the right type. This morning it dawned on me that I'm attached to that very feeling, that I still hold on to it, I'm still lingering on it regardless of the person that gave me that spark. Although he's long gone - more than one year now -, I still refer to him, to what he made me feel, every time I meet someone new. And it also occurred to me that it isn't healthy nor sensible to act like this. People are different and what they make you feel is not the same. It might change with time. It's dynamic. It grows into each other and might create bonds. This doesn't happen over time. And above all, you must let it happen. You've got to untie and unloose rather than to loosen up, and avoid self-limiting your emotional flows.
It all sounds like these are very good resolutions.

Why am I so scared then?

Negative

Sometimes it's me. I mean it's my fault. It seems that I have a penchant for pushing good things away for fear of being brought down, being stomped upon and feeling cellularly alone again. But it also looks like I'm some sort of masochist. Indeed I'm starting to wonder whether not only I'm excellent at this but I also enjoy it.
I have been seeing someone. Although he seems very nice and certainly is good looking and witty, I've been acting quite cold. I enjoy going around with him. He makes me laugh. His posse is not bad either.
This guy has been quite straightforward to me. He likes me and is attracted to me. He told me. And so am I. We haven't even touched each other. I prefer... other activities. We have lots of things in common, same interests, different stories. Probably he's not boyfriend material but I enjoy his company, talking to him til late at night and everything. Yet I wanna wait. I don't even know what I'm waiting for. Maybe a miracle?
I keep making up excuses with him and with myself not to let my emotions take over. I don't know why I am so resistive to happiness and to flirting.
The right thing to do at this point would just be to let it be.
Why then do I have a lump in my throat everytime things start to dance in the right direction? Why can't I just move on and go with the flow? What is it that stops me? What has been making me a slut for almost three years now without being able to build a healthy and adult relationship?
Why am I being so negative for fuck's sake?

As you might have noticed, I've published some lyrics lately. Here is another one. It's a song whose words fit quite well my emotional state. It's called Heaven out of hell

So are you turning around your mind?
do you think the sun won't shine this time?
are you breathing only half of the air?
are you giving only half of a chance?
Don't you wanna shake because you love
cry because you care
feel 'cause you're alive
sleep because you're tired?

make heaven, heaven out of hell now

Are you locked up in you counting the days?
oh how long untill you have your freedom?
just shake because you love
cry because you care
feel 'cause you're alive
sleep because you're tired
shake because you love
bleed 'cause you got hurt
die because you lived

make heaven, heaven out of hell now

are you still turning around the same thing?
are you still trying that way?
are you still praying the same prayers?
are you still waiting for that same day to come?

climbing the same mountain
you're not getting higher
you're running after yourself
can't let go
hiding in that place you don't wanna be
you push happiness so far away
but it comes back
to give you all that you've given before
to love you the way that you do, like a mirror
look in the air 'n catch that boomerang
it can't fall anywhere else but in your own hand

and make heaven
heaven out of hell now
make heaven
heaven out of hell now
are you still waiting?
make heaven
heaven out of hell now
are you still praying?
make heaven
heaven out of hell now
are you still losing?
make heaven
heaven out of hell now
make heaven
heaven out of hell now
I wanna fly because
I dream