Congrats

16.08.2006

Ta da!

My aunt’s getting married!!! In late February, probably on 24^th. Veeeery nice! I wish them all the best!

She’s just 27. It’s scary now to think she is just 5 years older than me. We grew up together, when we were kids we’d share toys and Barbie’s and Spiderman and Ninja Turtles. She was a bit of a bad boy, I was a bit of a whimsical girl. We’d fight and make up and fight again. I loved it at the time. Those are warming thoughts and memories.

They just decided it a couple of days ago. She sounded thrilled when she told me over the phone. Good for her. They intend to have just a small ceremony, no big celebrations or long dinner with people we’ve seen twice in our lives, mainly at funerals and weddings. I like it better that way. It’s more intimate and simpler. If you didn’t know, in Italy when they get married they always throw these huge lunch AND dinner parties where at least 150 people are invited. Usually the couple end up broke on their wedding day. And these parties are full of people whose name you’ve never even heard. You meet relatives of dead relatives you might have seen in some old black and white faded photos. Average age: 68. It’s a tradition, though. Now you understand why I usually dread the idea of being invited to weddings.

Anyway just last week I had told her that in case she got married or got pregnant I’d have come back from Sydney. I’ll have to keep my promise then. It’s gonna be a short trip. Long flights, short trip. Eheh.

I guess I should also start saving up for either the wedding present and the flight(s). Can’t I be The Present? My very presence as a gift?

God I can’t be saying this.

Changing subject, we went out last night. We drove more than one hour to find this pub/restaurant where they serve all kinds of food from all around the world. The place is adorable, very fancy and cosy at the same time. It was pelting with rain the whole time, though. It didn’t look very much exotic or anything. It was freezing cold. S. obviously complained about the food. She’s a bit picky and moany when it comes to food and places. I kept my mouth shut and ignored her complaints cos I knew I got to eat everything she left on the plate, ahah!

Lately, especially after going to her concert, I have been listening to Madonna’s confessions. I admit not liking it when it came out. Now I can’t stop playing it!!! I started crooning those songs when I was in Saint Peter’s Basilica in Rome (how blasphemous is that?). Now I can’t shake the Isaac’s chanting off my head. Is that Hebrew? I want to post some of the lyrics. The Queen is growing up! I particularly fancy LIKE IT OR NOT and FUTURE LOVERS. This last one makes me daydream.

Giu. sucks. Yesterday I had to hear all of his bullshit about his lil’ dirty nasty friend (whom I truly disdain) and you know, I heard him out. I helped him and advised him and I was with him. This morning when I woke up I sent him a text message about friendship and closeness/distance from people and asked him what he though about it. The only thing he was able to write was, and I shall quote again: “I totally agree”. What is that? I’m actually thinking he would have replied the same thing for whatever message I might’ve sent him.

I hate you. I totally agree.

I love you. I totally agree,

I ignore you. I totally agree.

You don’t deserve me. I totally agree.

ASSHOLE.

I spent, pardonnez moi, I wasted part of the afternoon watching Sex & the City. That Carrie Bradshaw is one real bitch. With top-notch Manolos.

Un-cool

16.08.2006 - early afternoon.

Why in hell must Stanford from S&TC be the ugliest un-coolest worst-dressed gay ever on a TV series? I could live with that if there were other queer characters in it that could make up for it but there are none. I should formally write a complaint letter. Might help for future shows.

Ok, let's play

15.08.2006

Playing friends with would-be boyfriends is hard. And sick. And it makes me sick.

At the same time, though, it’s sweet and binding and precious.

Changes

Sometimes I realize how hard it might get. Apart from all the adventurous side which is exciting and if you think about it a little shallow, there’s gonna be so much more. So much I’m not able to completely conceive of while I’m still here in Italy. I wonder how changing everything that is around you will affect the only thing which I have the power to allow not to change: Myself.

Inevitably I know it will mold me into someone new. It has to.

Looking back to the few times I’ve been away for some time, I must admit I wound up sucking up, cherishing and treasuring as much as I could from what and who is around me. I’ve experienced that more than once. I believe that’s what keeps me moving, what makes me sacrifice friendships, or at least, modify relationships with people I care about, what chips away at all the chances “love” has been putting on the table, what offers me more than anything else might right now.

Whether this is a good thing or not, whether I will benefit from it or not, I can’t tell, although I truly believe it is and I will – otherwise I wouldn’t be doing it, right? – but I also like to think one day I will look back and smile at it.

I’m feeling so very naïve now. So bound to explore and take risks. Just hope I won’t get burnt.
And in case I get burnt, screw it, I might even learn something.

Music & Dream(s)

Sunday. Evening.

The Italian music scene is crap. Pure and genuine shit. I’ve been zapping from MTV to AllMusic for a while. There are literally a dozen of bands with similar names, same “style”, akin pretty faces and horrible songs. Am actually starting to think it might be the same song, sampled, remixed and played over and over by different people (? Not sure about that either). Or maybe it’s just me who can’t distinguish them. More likely I’ve seen the same video twice on different channels and thought it was the same. Am losing sanity then.

I’m thankful that there are some foreigners. Am I so xenophile? V. thoughtful right now.

However, today I’ve exchanged some v. deep text messages with Giu. It all started because I had a dream last night. I actually had two. But only one was about him. We were in Australia and wanted to buy a house by the sea. He started speaking the Roman dialect with the lawyer just when we were about to sign the contract and he got mad ‘cos the guy didn’t understand a word. I found it hilarious but we ended up without our house.

Anyway, I wrote him I had this dream. He said that sometimes they come true, or partly true (was he referring to the house or to us being together? Doubtful). I replied I gave up dreaming purposelessly ‘cos it simply isn’t healthy. But that when it comes to him, I might be willing to open the negotiations back again, I’m not so strict after all. He wrote, and I’ll quote here (fuck the privacy): “Anyway just remember that life is short and long at the same time. Maybe dreams are nothing but premonitions which attribute our current image to the future… ‘cos we’re not able to devise a different one. Maybe one day everything you long for and dream will actually come true”

I totally agreed and added that it’s a little harder, though, that fulfilling your own dreams will coincide with someone else’s, that those two separate paths are gonna cross one another eventually. The only thing we can do about it is to let destiny decide what we can’t control.

He believes it, too.

Let’s draw a moral here. There’s none. This doesn’t make any sense, it doesn’t answer my question (which I haven’t really made explicit). What shall I do? Waiting for fucking destiny to draw me some places rather than others? So the fact that I got the job should not make reconsider certain things? I should just go and forget everything and leave everything the way it is?

Moving on to another spicier subject. Dream #2. I recalled a v. hot playful afternoon with some guy I dated for a while just about a year back. It was weird cos I was horny all the time when we were together, but he was actually a jerk with huge self-acceptance issues, which was absolutely not my duty to help him solve. He’s a grown-up. I just hope I at least made him think a little. In the bedroom department, though, he was terrific. And I vividly remember this one afternoon we spent together. It’s become an obsession. I sent him a text message right away, although I knew that he was seeing someone. Turns out, not anymore!!!!!!!! So I’ve made up my mind and self-invited at his place when I come back from London. V. naughty right now. And turned on. :)

Oh God. (sighing).

Sunday morning. Rain’s not falling yet but might be in a couple of minutes.

I don’t remember being so obsessive about Iceland as much as I am being now about Australia. Time’s running out and yes, I start feeling a little bit under pressure. I try not to have expectations about it but, let’s be serious, I must have some otherwise I wouldn’t be going for fuck’s sake.

Oh God (sighing).

Is it because I’m scared? Not really.

Nervous? Maybe. Don’t know about what, though.

On the one hand I’ve got this goddamn “final work” (better!) to worry about and these two exams which seem to be the most boring ever. No. They’re not boring cos they’re actually pretty interesting and informative. But I’m so done with university-related bullshit. Fed up, really.

Oh God (sighing).

I should’ve been smarter and have taken this Corporate Finance crap last year, when the exam was just a bunch of multiple choice questions and the room was so crowded you could not avoid cheating. It was the environment itself that screamed: please DO cheat!!!!!!!! I didn’t even show up at the exam. Silly Luca, there’s no point in cursing the past.

Oh God (sighing).

On the other hand, I’ve got to start anew in an unknown city. I am so looking forward to it but I’ve been thinking about it so hard and for so much time now that I just wish I had already done it. I mean, I was ready to fly there in May and I have been so eager to move and explore and do things there that I’ve got no energy left. I don’t think I’m explaining this the right way but it’s hard, believe me.

Oh God (sighing).

The fact that everybody keeps asking me about the reasons I’m leaving has started making me sick now. I always answer: “What reasons do I have that would make me want to stay? Why not grab this opportunity?”. And I shut them up. I know I’m being selfish but hell yeah! I wanna be! I’ve got to be, I’m 22.

Oh God (sighing).

Let’s not forget the length of my stay. Absolute nonsense. They say it’s too hard and too long and I should think about my parents who won’t see me for a long time. I reply I think about my family alright and if I stayed here, they’d be more concerned somehow because they’d smell there’s something wrong. They know me. Then dear people who won’t ever read these lines (am gonna write in anyway, fuck the whole lot of you), why don’t you care about your own damn business?

I just wish I could leave next thing in the morning.

Oh God (sighing).

I should’ve told everybody the day before I leave. I’m getting hysterical. However, there are still some nice human beings who support me and are happy and excited about this life-changing journey! (which is not a journey but thinking that way makes it more adventurous, doesn’t it?).

And you know what? Those who have known for a long time say I’ve reached some sort of balance, that I’ve changed and become more stable.

Oh God (sighing).

I’m getting wise and old…

S.’s right. I should become the new gay version of Bridget Jones. It’s gonna be: LG’S BLOG. THE EDGE OF SANITY. I’m gonna make a helluva lot of money! Instead of writing this bullshit, I should go back to reading how you should pay salary to doctors and how wages can affect their motivation…

I should’ve become a farmer in New Zealand. Just me and my sheep(s). Why does it have to be “sheep” and not “sheeps”??

Oh God (sighing).

In case you hadn’t noticed, I still stick to the rule: Always do have something to complain about! :)

Overwhelmed

I'm just overwhelmed. Since the last time I posted it feels like everything's changed. Everything's been pushed forward very fast and I've got troubles adjusting.
I moved out of my flat. It took me two days to take all my stuff home. Thank God I found a nice English guy who did help me a lot. I didn't want to spend the last night in that semi-unfurnished place all by myself. So I went dancing with M. and he slept over. We could've been THE ITEM if it werent' for me leaving. Sydney's calling though. Literally. Last Friday I got a call and was interviewed. I got the internship. I rarely had been so happy. I had to anticipate my departure cos they need me earlier than expected. So it's gonna be on 9/9. I had to forgo flying to London. However, after receiving some poisonous email from G., I decided to go anyway. The terroristic attacks that were stopped the other day in UK made all flight prices drop. Lucky me. I'm flying out on 8/24 and back on 8/29... London is just what I need. Party party party, XXX XXX XXX! Yahoooooo! And then I get to say goodbye to D&G.
Drawback: I have only very few days to write the so-called thesis which I prefer to call "final work" as using thesis would be an insult to those who actually have to write a real one...
Anyway everything must be done quickly. I don't really care how many points I'll get for it. Just wanna get it all over with.
Later on, as soon as I have a broadband connection (it'll be in Sydney I suppose), I'm gonna post some pictures I've taken recently. I celebrated when I knew I had the job and we went to a Mexican restaurant Some pics there. But the big thing is: we went to see MADONNA. Absolutely stunning. I'm not even gonna try to comment on it. There are simply no words. I also had the chance to visit Rome a little. I wanna move there. Screw Sydney! I wanna marry Giu. and go live in our little flat in Trastevere. Jeez, that city is a museum. I've simply fallen in love with it.
I could go on writing about a lot of stuff but I've got little time now. That's all folks!