Back home

It's been 8 days since I landed back in Sydney. I have waited a while to blog because I think I wanted to observe myself and my reaction to the trip and to being back home, in Australia I mean.
I think the most important thing now is realizing that I actually went back to Italy eventually.
It was a very full on trip, very intense, emotional and satisfying I'd say. The first thing I remember was the temperature shock after leaving HK and landing in Zurich, 6 AM, -12*. I expected it but was not ready. Driving home from the airport reminded me of how gray and brown everything looks during fall. I had missed that actually.
Meeting people and family felt great, especially seeing their reactions was really emotional sometimes. It was reassuring though to see that some things had not changed. My old village is still looking the same, maybe a little less run-down, people are still doing the same thing, little has changed really. My mum's apartment looks really nice. Cold but nice. It already feels like home to me too. I tried in fact to spend some time there, to get that cosy homey feeling from it. And I managed to.
I discussed my plans for the future with friends and family. It is pretty clear that still I am not 100% sure about a lot of things I want to do, whether to stay here in Oz, how, what about uni, yoga, John, etc. It's all part of the process. Work in progress I called it.
Yeah, that's the way it is.
The trip to London was pretty rushed. It was very good cos the weather was great and although it was quite cold, you could easily stay out all day and walk around without any problems. Did a little bit of sightseeing (British Museum this time around), too! I met up with my cousin from the US who was doing a semester there. Caught up with Gab (we really had to) and had a nice stylish dinner in a fancy/sleek Asian place - loved it! Even went dancing! I managed to get stuck in traffic on my way to the airport and missed the flight home - NC.
The Venice trip with mum and O. went very well. I loved that city, so unique, charming and quirky in a way. I think it's just mind-boggling how people could conceive building a town on the water like that! Again, we had three gorgeous sunny days. I had one night in Milan, M. put me up (again - I owe her so much). I honestly had bad vibes from that city. Good to have an aperitivo and catch up with some friends but that's it. I don't want to have anything to do with that place. I'm over it. It might sound a bit harsh but it really didn't feel good and right for me to be there. Very awkward, isn't it?
Anyways, after I'd got home safe and sound, I still spend a couple of nights hanging around with friends from high-school whom I hadn't seen in what? 4 years? It was so nice, I had a great time. I missed home though, I mean my home, Sydney.
Honestly, I was glad when I buckled up and took off. Honestly. ;)

Hong Kong

My Hong Kong adventure is almost over. I am at the airport writing from a free kiosk - I love these Asian places...

It's been a full-on couple of days. The flight from Sydney was one of the worst ever. Seriously. The attendants never cracked a smile, the guy in front of me smashed me by leaning his seat all the way backwards while I was eating - and he pretended he didn't speak any languages so that he could do as he pleased... the bastard - the movie screen did not work practically, my seat was on the wing so no view whatsoever, and turbulence never ceased.
How wonderful.

John was waiting me here, it was so nice to hug him (not too long or too close) "cos you know what Chinese people are like".
?.
We had a crazy taxi ride from Lantau Island (where the airport is) to Hong Kong Island. Asia, I have missed it so much!
The hotel was nice, not flashy, did the deed for the two nights we stayed. People here are very nice (not as much as Thais but still much more polite than the average European or the downright rude I-know-everything Americans).

Hong Kong is beautiful. Lots of skyscrapers, teeming with little people (no offence) everywhere, relatively cheap for some things, more expensive for others, ideal place to spend a few days.
It's the perfect blend between Asia and Western world. I loved it and would come back in a minute. We had two beautiful days, nice weather, not too hot, not too cold, everything went smooth.
We did quite a lot of sightseeing, walked a lot (the best way to explore in my opinion) and eat even more. It was exhausting but we both wanted to make the most of it. I totally dug it.
I have so many things I would like to write about but right now I am just knackered. We visited a couple of temples this morning, then rushed to the hotel to check out before noon and finally headed to the airport. What was really cool is the fact that from Central Station you can check in your luggage straight away and just forget about it and get to the airport 30 minutes before take off! Isn't that a brilliant idea? (Logistically speaking).
Anyways, we then met up with a friend of mine from uni that now lives here and had just come back from Rajahstan (lucky him!). We went to visit the giant Bhudda on Lantau Island, a massive statue overlooking a valley. Spectacular!
Then we headed back to the airport and waited for J's flight to Bangkok. My flight is in 2+ hours (I think, better double check) so I have plenty of time to kill but honestly, I am too tired. Hope, for once, to get some sleep on my way to Zurich (yes, indeed another stopover before landing in the promised land... shit!). I never manage to sleep on planes. It's beyond my control, I just can't fall asleep. John started snoring in the 3 minutes taxi ride this morning and I have trouble closing my eyes for 14-something hours on a bloody airplane. Since I am flying by night all the way to Europe, maybe I'll be luckier this time?

Harmony

So...
It's been a while since I had some time to chill and a few minutes to write something interesting. I am sitting in Harmony Park, I took baby Mac out for a stroll. It's a lovely place, small and cozy, nice view of the skyline and the World Tower, not crowded (just hot guys doing their thing) and there's this beautiful lilac tree (does anybody know what it is called?) that just blossomed the past week or so and now stands proud and tall in the middle of a lilac sea of petals. Just so nice. There are quite a few of these trees around Sydney and at this time of the year and they colour the city of lilac.

It's been a lazy day after one of the most hectic weeks I can recall. I had an exam on Monday and another one yesterday, the next and last one is on Monday. Obviously I've been working as well, training the new girl (whom I quite like actually and am getting along well with) and waking up very early (5.30ish am)everyday to study and prepare. I hope it was all worth the effort. Today is different. I feel different. I woke up early and went to yoga which reminded me not to skip class for more than 3 days otherwise my back will suffer - note to self. I had a very early Thai lunch whilst watching Ally McBeal and now here I am, enjoying the warm sunshine and this gentle breeze. Could it be more perfect? I do look a little geeky and shabby actually but who cares, it's just me and a lilac tree.

Yesterday was a crazy day but was very fulfilling, I got a lot done. I had an interesting offer at work which I am considering (Luca do not be hasty!!!) and I felt a little bit more confident about so-called "career" and all the visa situation ( a pain in the neck for all non-Australians living down under). I need to think about my plans for the future in more details at this point, although I am not really keen to do so. I tend to lean more towards living by the day, or by the month, let's say.

My mind fast forwards towards HK and the trip next week. I can't wait. I'm going to meet up with John there. he is currently in China for his PhD stuff, so it'll be nice to have our first 2.5 days away from home in over a year. We have never been away together . Nowhere. I went away with mum and Silvia, he went to States twice, I've been to Jervis Bay with the girls but we never had the chance to spend a weekend somewhere just the two of us or just to get the hell out of Sydney (except for one night in Wollongong last year - which was before I'd even moved in). I still have to think about what to bring home, if I need to get something before I leave, what suitcase I shall bring, read about HK, get everything ready for TB 'cos he's gonna be alone for six days. It's gonna be more and more intense!

Nothing much has happened otherwise. Marianne is making her way back to OZ after spending one week in the hospital to have those damn gall stones removed and then two weeks getting drunk on a ship around NZ. Lucky her! We went to see Justin, we are still drooling over his bum... Jeez! I really dug it despite crappy seats.. I didn't think that so many artists would tour in Australia. Bjork is coming in January but I was not fast enough to get tickets for the only two concerts in Sydney (one of which will be at the Opera House while the other apparently will take place outside, with beautiful views of the harbour).
Last weekend we went with some friends over to Tamarama beach where they have installed this exhibition called "Sculptures by the sea". We really enjoyed that - despite windy cold weather. We had a nice time there. Then John left to go China on Sunday night and I've been working my ass off since, although I must admit I've enjoyed some Luca time at home alone.

I have been reading blogs of people from the world over. K. is challenging herself with Portuguese in Brazil, N. is being looked after by his friends in a gray Milan and in Canada everything seems to be ok. I kinda start missing people, not knowing what they are up to, what they have been feeling like, what they have been doing. Just details, I know, but that would make me feel a little bit more part of their lives, despite the long distance. I guess I can't have the cake and eat it too, right?

Although the weather is nice, I can't stay out long cos I still have one exam left and need to get started. I wish I could go to the beach so that I wouldn't be looking so pale when I get back to Italy next week. I don't want people to think I still live in Iceland. This sun is really warm, I'd better go back inside my nest before I start wondering what lying on the grass might feel like....

Oh wait a minute...

Mothballed

To the Bogong moths and and their fallen comrades - we salute you. But maybe next year you should look away from the lights! Just a thought...

October blues

At certain times I start to feel threatened and insecure especially when I think about my future. It brings me back to when I was about to finish university and I had to come up with some plans, which ultimately led me here. I feel like this type of decisions are just to big for me and I don't want to face it. Not now at least. Yet my mind keeps going back banging against these same questions "What am I gonna do after the master? What if I don't find a sponsor? Where should I go next?". All sort of bullshit.

Just three weeks ago I had a much clearer pictures of the projects ahead. And I still do, don't get me wrong. It's just that sometimes I remind myself that things might not turn out the I want them to. I take things for granted that I should not.
On top of that, I am having all sorts of traveling plans and I keep daydreaming of faraway places, backpacking adventures... I should really stop buying lonely planets just for the sake of having them. Those books make me wander off and lose my focus. It's just that I bought a while ago the India book and with yoga and all, I kinda feel like taking off for a few months...
Is this just the way my brain tries to avoid thinking about assignments, deadlines, exams, etc?
What is this?

I really do hope that my escapade to HK and then the trip to Europe will pacify my hunger for... I don't wanna say the word. Besides, today I got all excited cos I booked a few tours for our New Zealand trip. We're gonna swim with dolphins, which are amazingly curious and interactive creatures. I am so looking forward to this. I just watched a video where there is this pod of dolphins flipping around from one side to the other over the surface, all excited by humans. How crazy is that? That we are going to do in Kaikoura, at the beginning of our trip. Then quad bikes in Nelson (John's idea, but sounds like fun), rafting in caves (now this is something cool - haven't decided where yet, though) and bungee jumping in Queenstown. Thank god I have been saving for a year for this trip.
I am sure John and I will manage to fight from day one - as usual. Hopefully the beauty of the landscape will shush us both. Lately we have been a little bit distant from one another. I certainly am withdrawn and don't wanna be bugged. It's not bothering me that much, although I know that we really need to figure a few things out. I hope NZ will do us good.

TB is licking his left paw. Cute. I'm gonna go watch some Ally McBeal. I had never realized how crazy a bitch that woman is. She is selfish, hallucinating, honest. But we both daydream and fall to the ground on a regular basis, so I can't help but love her.

Travel Plan

Real quick, just want to give an update on my trip.
I will be in Hong Kong from 15 to 18 Nov (yahoooooooo!!!!), in Italy from 18 to 2 Dec.
Escapade to LDN FOR GAB (MUCH LOVE TO YOU!!!) 21/23 Nov.
Venice with mum and Ola 26/28 Nov.
Milan 28/29 Nov to meet up with Martinita and few others I wanna hug.
If any of you Nordic people want to meet up in LDN, let me know asap!!!!!!!

It's gonna be hectic and will come back more exhausted than when I left. But am gonna make lots of people happy, including myself.
Cheers

Smile

Love your enemies, it messes with their heads...

Sometimes...

Sometimes I really feel like never leaving this place. It feels so good...

Epilogue

FYI, kindly note that Sydney (not only my house) is currently being struck by a moth inundation. And somebody is having some pretty weird ideas out of it...
Click here...

Epilogue: Luca is (just) not the luckiest man on earth. Very smart indeed, though.

Invasion

Premise: Luca is neither the smartest nor the luckiest man on earth.

It can't only be a coincidence. Seriously, it has reached a point beyond ridiculous, it's getting creepy.
Let's start from the beginning. Last night I did laundry and washed the shorts I use for practicing yoga. I didn't really want to have the drier running all night so I shoved all the clothes in the drier and left the thingy open so I could remember to switch it on in the morning before heading to work. I thought I'd only hang my shorts on the chair outside to dry overnight, so that I could bring them with me and go straight to the studio after my afternoon uni class (yes, very busy day...)
After I woke up, I slid the window door open and grabbed my shorts to see if they were dry enough. Next thing I know, I was surrounded by dozens of moths flying around like crazy!!! I jolted about the damn shorts to get rid of them but they'd only come out more and more. They had nested in them for fuck's sake! I turned around and those creatures were swarming all over my kitchen. TB went nuts, he started jumping around like crazy, trying to paw them down and play with them (for once, bless his heart). It took me almost 20 minutes to put them down, I could not bloody open the window cos more would swarm in. I grabbed rags and broom and I waved them around until I counted 17 casualties on the battlefield. On top of that, consider I was obviously totally naked, so I must also have been fun to look at...
Hurried out to the bus stop - bloody hot today, 30*!!! - and at work I noticed another moth flying in the office for just a sec and then off it goes. mmmmh......
In the computer lab in class this afternoon again, a few had snuck in and were flying in circle above us....
Jumped on the half-empty bus, I made for a free seat to discover that the seat was definitely taken, two of those things attached to one another. What the %$#&?
I came home from yoga, turned on the lights and there they were again. TB went berserk but this time we teamed up: I had them land on the broom which I lifted close to the bulb, and then I would hit the broom to the floor so that the moths fell off and TB could strike! Another 20 minutes or so of that had me sweat even more. They managed to get in the bathroom, behind the curtains, in the shower, you name it! They were everywhere!
It can't only be a coincidence...
I looked up on the internet what the hell this might mean.

1)"If a man dreams of a moth flying about, he should be careful in choosing female relationships."
I don't think that's the case...

2)"To see a moth in a dream, small worries will lash you into hurried contracts, which will prove unsatisfactory."
A) I did not dream of moths, people (I wish I had at this point): I was bloody infested!!!
B) The only contract I have is with Vodafone, at least that I know of...

3)"The moth in your dream may be pointing out a personal weakness or may be bringing to light a deception in your life. It could be suggesting that you are being lead to a place where you will be hurt unless you recognize the danger. Since dreams are very rarely literal, the danger could be emotional or psychological, not necessarily physical".
It doesn't sound too good...

4)"Quarrels of a domestic nature are prognosticated."
John is presently flying in and is going to land in the morning. It all makes sense now. Oh god...
Anything positive at all?

Step One

Today is my first yoga anniversary. I have been officially practicing for one year now. And tonight class was excellent and, surprise surprise, rewarding. I didn't think much but let myself sink into the practice. So at a certain point, I found myself in Bakasana, on which I've been working for the past month, and had a really steady grip.And I don't know how but after a few breaths there, I found myself lightly landing on my head and building up into a nice headstand, Sirsasana.Very pleased cost I kept both postures for quite a while and they came quite naturally really. Let it be...

Since yoga has had a very positive impact on me and my lifestyle over the past year, I have been thinking a lot about pushing myself a little further into it. I decided to take the teacher training programme that starts in February. It has been in my head for some months now but I was hesitating. It fits perfectly between the end of summer school in January and the beginning of my second and last semester at uni. It is indeed a quite long commitment since this first training session consists of four modules for a total of 200 hours. I am going to take each module separately, progressing maybe in May if I manage (which will be held in Bali), most likely in September 2008 or during the winter months. I am not doing this for teaching purposes. My attitude is more of a curious yogi who wants to see whether he should invest in a "parallel career" and understands better this fascinating and life-changing practice. Obviously, it would be very fulfilling to complete it, but I'd better take one step at a time. So for now it's February with 50 hours, then we'll see. It's also quite pricey so I want to think of it as form of investment really.
This is just one of the few decisions I have made lately and that I am still working out. I have to plan things quite carefully now because budgeting for projects like this requires some thinking beforehand. I am looking forward to this undertaking and to all the others that I am currently figuring out. It helps me give a clearer direction in life and breeds motivation I guess. Well, at least I hope.

Namaste.

(Tequila-inspired) Ideas

I finally got my life back. Handed in the papers on Friday and I started living again. I now sleep and eat regularly and I can think a little more clearly. Had a nice Saturday night out and had a tad of tequila. Life is smooth and easy. For now at least.
Today was really mellow. I slept till late and I was a bit hungover when I woke up. I had Vietnamese soup in a place in Newtown, examined passersby in the sunshine and let my mind wander off.
I returned some books at the library and ended up looking for travel books for an hour. I was too late for yoga so I thought I'd take it easy today and just walked home enjoying the beautiful day.
I made tea and read about remote places I'd love to visit. There is something about seeing things and new countries that I think is just part of me and I won't ever be able to let go of. It gives me so much, sometimes even more than I fathom. I've just come to realize how this need, this urge that just surges through my mind has affected me and the decisions I've made over the past years. Milan, Reykjavik, now Sydney. What next? Where next?
This afternoon I've come to think what kind of things I would like to accomplish while here and I tried to set some goals, to figure out what I want to do in Australia, and above all, if I want to them in Australia. I don't dislike living here and my life is actually pretty well-balanced now, more than it has ever been before. Sydney is a cool city and this country offers so much to a restless and curious bloke like me. I have been reading over and over brochures about tours in the outback, in WA, near Broome, in Tassie... There are so many places I want to go check out before I leave (if I leave). However, I have not felt I am connected to this city. Not yet at least. It wasn't like the connection I got when I went to Iceland. That is engraved in me. Sometimes I still consider that maybe I could move back there. Why not? With Australia the whole moving thing became a little more problematic because a lot of things happened since the very first day I landed here and the spirit with which I came was totally different from when I spent those months in Reykjavik. Besides, it doesn't really make much sense to compare these two experience cos they are totally distinct.
So while I am here, I should just make the most of my time here. I don't know exactly how and what I will have to focus on but I can honestly say that I am starting to have a few vague ideas.
I hopefully will be able to share them with you soon. I just a little more time to figure things out while I am not "distracted". John is in the U.S. and I have the house all to myself. I'm kinda starting to miss him. Although he's in another continent, he still manages to be the most supportive and present partner I could ever imagine being blessed with.
It's time for bed now but I can't sleep. They're showing "American Beauty" on tv. I love this movie. It reminds me to make some reality checks every now and then and, most importantly to stay always true to yourself.

"It was one of those days when it's a minute away from snowing. And there's this electricity in the air, you can almost hear it, right? And this bag was just... dancing with me. Like a little kid begging me to play with it. For fifteen minutes. That's the day I realized that there was this entire life behind things, and this incredibly benevolent force that wanted me to know there was no reason to be afraid. Ever.
A beat. Video's a poor excuse, I know. But it helps me remember... I need to remember...
Sometimes there's so much beauty in the world I feel like I can't take it... and my heart is going to cave in."

Spoiled

I decided I deserved a little treat since I'm being soooo good...
I just bought myself a ticket to see Tori Amos at the Sydney Opera House next Monday...
I can't believe I'm gonna see her and in such a fantastic and unique venue. I'm one spoiled bastard, aren't I?
I'm guessing Mr Cherokee must be a little jealous... ;-)

Alright still.

Today was intense to say the least. I had class all day long, although it's Saturday. I have two assignments due next week which I haven't even started. I have little time to focus, to research, to write. It feels it's just too much and sometimes I am on the verge of breaking down and I don't think I can seriously face all this at once. Having the house all to myself is paradoxically helpful because this way I can be as comfortable as possible. John is in the U.S. for 20 days or so.

Today I read somewhere that motivation breeds motivation. I might add positivity breeds positivity. This is what it's all about right now. I need to prove to myself I can do this. I have an hour to simmer down, have some pasta and a beer, maybe taking a micro nap. Then collect all my strengths and keep going. Put a smile on your face. Breathe deeply. I know I can do this and I can excel at it. It's just a matter of believing, being motivated and stay positive.

So much truth in this song

Prima di partire per un lungo viaggio
Devi portare con te la voglia di non tornare più
Prima di non essere sincera
Pensa che ti tradisci solo tu

Prima di partire per un lungo viaggio
Porta con te la voglia di non tornare più
Prima di non essere d'accordo
Prova ad ascoltare un po' di più

Prima di non essere da sola
Prova a pensare se stai bene tu
Prima di pretendere qualcosa
Prova a pensare a quello che… dai tu

Non è facile però
È tutto qui
Non è facile però
È tutto qui

Prima di partire per un lungo viaggio
Porta con te la voglia di adattarti
Prima di pretendere l'orgasmo
Prova solo ad amarti

Prima Di Partire Per Un Lungo Viaggio
Prima di non essere sincera
Pensa che ti tradisci solo tu
Prima di pretendere qualcosa
Prova a pensare a quello che… dai tu

Non è facile però
È tutto qui
Non è facile però
È tutto qui

Non è facile però
È tutto qui

Prima di pretendere qualcosa
Prova a pensare a quello che… dai tu

Sydney - day 365

Happy anniversary Luca!

Prayer of the day

May we all be happy.
May we all be peaceful.
May we all be healthy.
May we all be free.

None the wiser

The sun is shining, the birds are singing and I'm stuck in my unit studying for the exam I have on Thursday. It's a beautiful day, I could've gone to the beach and relax, gone to the studio and got rid of this hang over through a full on yoga class, instead I have to stay here finishing what I've just begun.
I'm starting to think that this master after all was not the smartest thing to do maybe. I want my life back! Why in hell didn't I consider studying yoga at a professional level?
I am just overwhelmed.
Well, now it's too late to change my mind or do anything about it. So the best thing I could do is get High Distinctions.
I feel like icecream...

Magic

Magic, isn't it?

Reporting

I'm enjoying some time by myself this morning. TB is trying to catch a pigeon on the balcony. I'm sipping coffee and I am still feeling kinda sad over what happened this week.

Just last Saturday we were driving south to Huskisson, listening to the radio and mumbling along. We had a fun weekend at Jervis Bay.

Beautiful spot, glorious day at first, bad weather on Sunday. The place we stayed at was right on the sea front, the view was stunning. We even went for a swim in the whitest beach I've ever seen. We got wasted in the only pub of the village - which apparently is a popular hookup place for ladies in their 40s... I also fed two kangaroos with a joey (cute!!!) some vinegar and garlic chips that most likely had them sick for the following three days...

In a nutshell, it was fun!


We had no idea that we would be feeling this shitty and sad just few days after that. One of us was treated totally unfairly in the office and had to leave right then and there with no real explanation given. What hurts the most is the way it all happened and how lightly the issue was taken by the... decision-maker, let's say. We all feel threatened and sad now. It showed just how little we matter in that place and with what kind of superficiality and disrespect we are being treated. It is definitely not pleasant. We are being joked about behind our backs. It's sickening.
I personally feel powerless in the situation I am in, cos I can be next, with no warning whatsoever. And most importantly there is little I can do for F. and it's just sad cos again you end up feeling rather useless and weak.
I reckon we will all have to keep our eyes open and have some sort of contingency plans as I am pretty confident it won't be long before some other drama will take place.

Appalling. Appalled.

JT

OMG.
This news required a new post. Sexyback. October 31st. Sydney.
Havoc in the office.
We're so going.

(slightly tacky entry but for JT we all feel a bit like that, don't we?)

like

The overuse of the word "like" has reached such an unbelievable degree that I don't think I will be able to listen to anyone talking anymore. No one.



Get yourselves some education people.

footsteps

I kinda forgot to write about my traveling plans, folks!

I am glad I can now confirm that I am coming back to Europe in late November for nearly two weeks. I am gonna have a mellow three-day stopover in Hong Kong while I'm on the way just to check out the city and be in awe of the skyline. I'll try to squeeze in some shopping as well while I'm at it.
L. (who is currently having the time of her life in Peru... lucky her!), O. (who - congrats congrats! - has been admitted to the prestigious LSE and is gonna move to bloody LDN soon) and I (who, well, nothing) are planning a short trip somewhere. We - I - were thinking Prague cos none of us has been there before, it's supposed to be extremely nice and it's rather cheap. Unfortunately for us there's no flights leaving from Turin available during those dates at present, so I am starting to consider alternative cities - Malaga, Dublin, Valencia, Madrid, Lisbon, Edinburgh, Sofia, you name it... We'll see. I'm beginning to think we'll all wind up flying to bloody LDN so I can also catch up with G. (who truly misses me) and spare O. same trouble as well, since she'll already be based there.
NZ is confirmed Dec 19th - Jan 2nd. I am so looking forward to this trip. Goal #1 is have fun, have sex, enjoy that beautiful nature an landscapes and minimize the fighting.
Mum wants to come visit me again. Yeah! She was thinking February which would actually be perfect for me as well cos by then summer school will be finished and classes won't have started. She doesn't seem to be too keen on coming back all the way to Sydney - she claims it's freaking long flight -, so what will probably do is we'll meet somewhere in Asia. I left it up to her to decide where and with whom she wants to go. I am gonna just tag along. I am so hoping she picks Malaysia or the Philippines so please please please mum if you're reading this and your English got good enough for you to understand it, please choose Malaysia!!! Thanks, mwah mwah, much love!
Last but not least, next weekend I'm heading to Jervis Bay with the girls. Hope we won't get arrested for DUI. I will keep you posted and possibly post some pictures of this escapade.
In the meantime take care and be safe.
Cheers!

getting started

lots of changes this week.
I started yoga, I started classes, I started studying - kept working if anyone wondered.
It's a challenge but I m sure I can handle it. I've got super powers.
Met a few people. One interesting. One cute and straight. Lectures are interesting for once - it's still about management and maths so it can't be that good. I am gonna hate all of this shortly, wait and see, but for now I prefer to think I am actually enjoying this new intense phase.
Yoga has been hard. It's so weird to see how quickly your body can close down and get stiff after a break. As soon as you start practicing frequently and regularly, it opens up again and all your joints stop cracking. It bloody hurts but it feels so good at the same time. It's been only three classes but they were powerful and extremely beneficial.
Last but not least, this new haircut rocks.

Holla!

new

need I say more?

I love

I love when he breathes while he sleeps at night. I love how he looks for my hand beneath the covers. I love...

Energy

I think Mrs Aguilera-Bratman really filled me up with energy last night!!!
Great concert.
I'm feeling much better. No blues, no worries...

(btw she's totally knocked up)

Doth I protest too much?

I'm not threatened, by every pair of legs you watch go by
I don't cringe when you stare at women, it's just a thing called guy
I don't notice your side ways glances or where your loyalty lies
I'm secure and out of me, it's hard to get a rise

I'm not jealous
I don't get moved by much
I'm not enraged
Not insecure as such
Not going insane
Rational stays in touch
Doth I protest too much?

I'm not tortured by how oft your busy, Cause I've got things to do
I'm not disappointed about how you don't miss you me, cause I don't need you to

I'm not needy
I don't get clingy much
I'm not scared
I'm not afraid as such
I'm not dependent
Rock solid, stays in touch
And Doth I protest too much?

So much energy to prove to you
Who I can't possibly be
So much energy to prove to you
I'm not who you hate for me to be

I'm not saddened
And I don't miss you
Cause I have moved on too
I'm not concerned about your new lover
Cause I have a new lover too

I'm not depressed
I don't get down that much
I'm not despondent
I am not dark as such
I'm never sad
Keep Chin Up, Stays in touch
And Doth I protest too much?

I'm not jealous
I don't get moved by much
I'm not enraged
Not insecure as such
Not going insane
Rational stays in touch
And Doth I protest too much?
(Alanis Morissette)

closing my eyes

I just finished writing a nice long letter to a longtime friend and I'm really proud of it. Being alone and all, you tend to forget how important keeping in touch is. You've got so many things to think about and take care of, that sometimes you overlook this sort of things.
Therefore I am trying to write regularly to people I care about. I am trying - it doesn't mean I'll succeed...
I like writing cos it's a bit like blogging but it's more personal: you're addressing to a particular person who knows you and can elaborate your predicament, your intentions, your feelings.
When you receive a letter you physically touch it and read it, you cannot ignore it. Instead with only one click you can have a look at your emails, scan it quickly and trash it. I like receiving mail. I'm old-fashioned I guess.

Today is one of those cloudy Sunday afternoons when you feel sluggish and lazy and you just want to cocoon inside your bed, with TB purring under the covers, sipping tea and watching time roll by. I wish it rained a little cos I'd love the smell of it. But obviously it's only gonna rain when Luca is lightly dressed and running late in the morning traffic trying not to be run over by trucks...

I feel like closing my eyes and never waking up again, trying reaching out for that sought-after bliss.
Am I losing myself?

you're an asshole

I'm at home listening to some lousy music while another Sunday afternoon puts an end to another terrible weekend. I've been trying to write for the longest time but nothing seems to come out. Lots of confusion in my head which I can't pin down to words.
Probably simply because there is not much to talk about. Maybe THAT's the point.
I keep telling people evrything is fine when reality is way different. I go on asking myself the same question: what on earth did I put myself into? And I am not referring only to my relationship (which at the moment is not causing much trouble to be honest). It's the whole package that makes me feel rather insignificant, boring and lifeless.
Today I had a terrible thought: to me it would not make a difference if I were here, in England, sailing the Pacific or six feet under. It certainly would to other people but to me, well... It's pretty much the same. I have grown numb to most things and it's starting to kinda freak me out a little cos I have always thought of myself as sensitive and witty and active. Now not only do I feel like this but I know I am cos I act as such. It's terrible.
What the fuck's going on?
I keep wasting days, weeks and months basically living like a 80 yo who is done living and is awaiting to pass away. I know I shouldn't be talking like this but this is the first time I can actually say these things. Maybe some stupid venting will do me good.

I rarely go out. I don't have friends. I lead the most humdrum life you could think of. I am not satisfied and I feel tired inside. I am gaining weights and think no one can actually understand what I am going through cos nobody can get inside my head and read my mind.

I know there is so much I could do to put my life back together and I am positive that if I wanted to i could make things right in the blink of an eye. I know what I should do but I am so scared that I won't dare budge.

At times I even question my staying here in Australia, which until a few weeks ago, was the only thing I was 100% sure of. It feels like I am falling apart and I have neither the strength or the will to prevent that from happening. I am simply waiting on something to happen that could change my life.

I can find a million reasons to get up and do things, fill my days, be motivated and successful at what I do. I simply don't see the point of doing it despite those reasons. I just feel that is not enough. I just wanna be left alone and forgotten about.

A part of me is laughing out loud at this entry. One day I will read thi post and probably will laugh with him. Right now I wanna strangle that giggling asshole.



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Just me...?

Year after year I can't really comprehend what sort of attraction makes festivities and anniversary so popular. No, seriously. Why should one be all smily and cheerful in late December? Just cos some moron once came up with Christmas? And some shrewd businessmen decided that people must celebrate all sort of dates? Anniversaries, birthdays, Mother's day, Father's Day, My-ass' day. People: Stop this for fuck's sake!
Oh god...

I'm already feeling better. Sometimes I really need to give vent to my thoughts regardless of other people's opinions and emotions.

So.. on Monday it's my birthday, big whoop... I just can't (and won't) accept the idea that I can't not be happy about it just cos other people's expectations are otherwise. Everybody wants me to be celebrating and partying and enjoying this moment.
Am I the only one who doesn't give a fuck? Maybe it's just me...

I am totally at ease with myself without having to put on a fake smile. Because to me there is just no reason to have one. That's true. I don't see the point. I can't be excited cos it's just not me...
I really wish festivities and birthdays had not been invented. Period.

Star-struck

On a more positive and light-hearted note I have two big news:

1) Peter, Richard Gere's lookalike is back in the yoga studio and today we practiced together. Sooo hot, hotter than the real one.
(Sorry J but I really had to share this with my following ;) ). I mean, seriously he is gooooorgeous, totally doable despite age gap (which has never stopped me, right?). Moreover, today the class room was really heating up, lots of hotties around. All very short, though - V upset.

2) Tomorrow maxi yoga session, full immersion with final surprise. Not only two hours of Vyniasa and one hour of Yin Yan streching postures... but also a chanting workshop with nientepopodimenoche Alanis' Morissette's twin brother. He happens to be a singer as well as into yoga. I'll let y'all know more. I am really looking forward to it.

3) I stink and I need a shower. It's no news but I am very into sharing today. Yes.

Epiphany. Duh...

When I woke up this morning I found a bittersweet message on my half-broken mobile. Very tender but it tore my heart apart.

I now know I was being very selfish when I bought the ticket and flew here. I'd thought it through and asked for opinions before leaving obviously. I had also considered all the problems that I was gonna face, the fact that I was gonna be all by myself and all. I was very well aware of what I was moving towards. I simply thought I was ready for the challenge and to set off.

However long I reflected, I missed one important point. I overlooked everyone else's possible problems with me leaving. My brain simply did not process that bit. I ignored the mere fact someone might have missed me, needed me, and wanted me to share important steps with them.
I don't regret coming here but I must admit that only now, after a few months, I have finally come to realize what being away from your family and friends really means not only for me but for those I left. And this sort of epiphany sucks.

Since I have been in a very positive mood lately, I wanna try and look at the bright side of it. Once again it just shows that with somebody it never began and it will never end cos it's unbreakable. It is. It doesn't really matter which hemisphere of the world you are walking on cos not even such distance can break this bond. And this feels so good and makes me so happy and grateful and blessed and lucky.

I miss you, too.

B-Day

B-day yeasterday. Amazing voice. Great women-only band and clever song arrangements. Questionable outfits. Short and (at times) slow show. Very well-done, though, worth the pricy ticket.

(I want Destiny's back...)

March Trip

When I first started this blog it looked much different. I used to rely on this website more and it was a good way to reflect and unleash. It was a sort of therapy which I followed quite regularly. Since I move to Sydney, I have found it much harder to find the time and give my thought some room in here. Meeting J has changed my life very much. Being in a relationship implies that you start sharing a lot. And this is what has been happening. I have confided to him and in him, letting myself aside a little. I kinda miss, though, my selfish ranting time and typing like a mad man.
I think it's time to start again. I need time with myself. I haven't had much time lately.
Note: Right now I am extremely mad at him cos he's acting like a six-year-old. But apparently he is the only one that can freak out all of a sudden. I am not allowed to do that cos it means that I unleash my anger and take it out on him. Which is 100% true but at least I admit it and am not afraid to say it. Whatever... I have the queen-size bed all to myself as he's decided to sleep on the couch.
Down Under a lot has happened in the past month and half. My mother and my friend came to visit me. We managed to sight see a lot here in Sydney and for the first time I was able to see a little of this amazing country. We started off with Tasmania which is just amazing. Lots of nothing but very pleasant to be in. It has some marvelous beaches and breathtaking views. I was really impressed. It still is kind of wild and unspoiled, pristine. I am naturally drawn to places like this.
What was remarkable (and very sad) is the impressive number of dead kangaroos and other marsupials on the roadside. Never seen so many carcasses in my life. I was extremely nervous when I was driving cos, especially at dawn and dusk all the animals are out and about and you're likely to run over them. Which didn't happen.
Deo gratia.
When my mum came we left to go to Byron Bay. Crystal clear 29*-degree-warm water, not a cloud in the sky... simply amazing. Heaps of hunky hot surfers and young people everywhere. Put it simply, not the place to go a) with your mum and b) when you've got a boyfriend.
Byron Bay is the easternmost point of Australia. From the promontory we spotted flocks of dolphins surfing the waves. It was like in those movies, you know. And it's just 45 minutes away from here by air. Perfect escapade.
We then took a bus to Brisbane where we spent just few hours (what are people exactly supposed to do in such a place? There's nothing up there...). So we headed to the Lone Pine Koala Sanctuary which is just 30 minutes away from downtown. So Silvia (and I) got finally the chance to hug one of those creatures for about two point three seconds. Very smelly animals.
Next stop was Cairns. I knew that it was the wet season up there but frankly I only wanted to see the rain forest and dive. It was also my vacation after all, right? We only spent three days there which - for me - meant three day of touring. Day one was the daintree forest and Cape Tribulation. The rainy and foggy weather I thought it was simply perfect. It felt like Jurassic Park when we were in the forest. We embarked a small boat that cruised up this river where we spotted a few crocodiles and snakes that were lazily sleeping on the branches of the tree overhanging the water. It was really great to see those animals right were they live where WE do not belong. It was a very long day.
Day two was Green Island. Not too good to be honest cos the tide was very low, the food sucked and we didn't get to do much. I snorkeled for a while and swam with some sharks, though, which a first scared the shit out of me - later I realized there were heaps and simply ignore humans.
Day three was just for me. I already said I wanted to go diving, right? That's exactly what I did. I had three long dives. I didn't remember anything about the equipment and stuff. Totally forgot everything. So did my diving buddy - gorgeous built 19-year-old British lad. Anyway everything went nice and smooth. Very very nice dives indeed, although the visibility was not the best. We spotted a few sea turtles (yes Kaisa, now I know how to pronounce turtle...), some sharks and lots of coral. I look forward to diving again soon.
We then flew to Alice Springs which is basically in the middle of nowhere. It was freaking hot. I had never been anywhere with so many flies. Anywhere. I swear, it was the most annoying thing ever. Anyway. We drove for some five hours in the desert, trying hard to avoid wandering wild cows which systematically appeared out of nowhere. When we drove past the Ayers Rock it was already dark and the Uluru looked extremely intimidating. It was like a giant black mass looming out of darkness behind us. We woke very early the next morning and we reached the sunset viewing spot. Although it was slightly cloudy, the morning sunlight made it appear very red. Quite impressive. We decided to go on the 11km loop track around the mountain. It got pretty hot but it was still bearable. Everybody knows about the Uluru but only few are aware that only 20 km away there there is an astonishing complex of rocks called The Olgas which as amazing as the Ayers Rock. I wish we had more time for that. I hope I will be back and will have the chance to do some tramping in the area.
When we finally landed in Sydney (due to an electrical storm we were kept for over an hour just flying in circles above the city area), the thermic shock was definitely felt. It was pouring rain obviously.
I had forgotten and underestimated how challenging and stressful dealing with high-maintance people can become over time. The whole trip was really nice but extremely tiring and demanding. Anyway, I am looking forward to the next vacation I'll have (who knows when!!!). I definitely want to go back to Tassie.
Traveling is a constant subject in this house. We talk a lot about it but we rarely go anywhere. That's why I am starting to think that I should just go and do more things by myself. I have always enjoyed staying alone every now and then and take off. On the other hand I want also to do stuff with my sexy boyfriend.
The thing is that I have also a money issue, meaning that I really can't afford much right now. The money that I have saved so far I will need to pay the balance for my dad's flight. This means I'm broke basically.
I really wanted to go to New Zealand cos at first I thought I needed to leave the country in order to be able to get my student visa. Instead I found out I don't have to since my visa is not a permanent visa. Farewell NZ then...
When my dad and his new French "girlfriend" come, I won't have the chance to go anywhere cos they're just gonna stay six days in Sydney and then I will have them fly to Phuket. They want sun and beaches and in Australia all that is so much more expensive. And, above all, they do not speak the language which makes it much harder to travel. In Thailand they won't have to travel around much. After all they wanna relax and unwind, nothing more. My mother does not have a clue about my dad seeing someone. I admit at first I was a bit upset and confused about it. Then I figured it's his life after all and who am I to tell him what to do and who to see?
I still have a lot to talk about but my eyes are struggling - I took up yoga again this afternoon after a seven-week break and am just exhausted, my whole body is hurting real bad.
I will keep ranting and introducing my last week breakdown soon.
Baci baci!

Smack!

This MacBook is the best thing I have ever owned.
I love myself very much... Yes, I really do.

One step away

One step away
from all I want
and I know it's all here

afraid to move
afraid to choose
afraid of my own fear

of times when I may not be strong
places were I may not belong

but I hold on
to this feeling
that stands above all feelings
tellin' me not to let go

and I live on
this feeling
the greatest of all feelings
tellin' me not to grow cold

please help me get through
and let me in you

Sick

Bought MacBook yesterday. Will have it next week. Am all alone with sexy hung bf. Very satisfied and stress-free thanks to hot sex. Yesterday was first day back at work. Felt like throwing up all day. Indeed today am sick with fever at home.
Head's exploding. Back is aching. Eyes pulsing.
Updates on bygone trip coming up soon.
If I manage to.

Powerful.

Although I mentioned many different aspects of my life in the previous long post, I feel like I didn't give much - well-deserved - space to one particularly important subject.
Day by day I realize little things about myself I have never noticed before, consciously ignored, or simply overlooked.
When one starts a journey with someone, it often - hopefully - follows a long period of mutual observation. You really don't know who you are dealing with in the beginning. Frankly I believe that it never ends, every day you find out something about the other person that startles, surprises and enriches you. For the good or for the bad.
I am firmly convinced that if one has the power to change the other person for the better, then this connection two people have is worth having and deserves to be nourished in any possible.
I'm feeling really bad as I am writing this cos I am perfectly aware that I am not in the position - mentally and in other ways - to exert the same power over him and I am sorry for that. It is something beyond everyone's control. It just happens. But on the other hand, I wonder how I could know what really goes in his mind and if what he is feeling has the same deep meaning as it does to me.
I feel blessed with everything he does, he is, he means to me. And it's an overwhelming sensation I can't ignore or not share. He makes me a better person. Isn't that what love's all about after all?
Thank you J.

Locked

Ok.
My future has been sealed. At least for the next two years I am staying in Sydney!
How exciting is that????????????
V pleased. Just got admitted to the master.
At least now I know where I'll be for a while. Which mentally is kind of reassuring and hope-inspiring, if that is word.

People

People, don't fuck with me. Simply don't.

Ordinary Life Down Under

It feels like it’s been ages since I sat down in front of the screen and wrote something down.

Lately there have been quite some changes. I have gone through a lot and I am sort of pushing myself into a direction which now seems clearer. I am steering the wheel.

I guess I can say that the adjustment process of me moving here is finally over. I acknowledge I gave myself some hard time because I wasn’t smart enough to do one thing at a time but instead I rushed everything all at once. Quite a lot to take on altogether. So anyway, to all you snoopy readers from all over, it’s time for me to give some updating on what my life is about here down under.

Where the f%$@ should I start with? Let’s see…

Ok. Now I am not afraid to jinx it anymore so I can talk about it overtly – nice word isn’t it? – Some of you might already know about it but since five days after I landed here in Sydney back in September, I have been seeing someone. Someone good. I mean, someone for real. We immediately synchronized our very busy lives and ta-dah… now we have been living together for about two months (Here’s the truth: I officially moved in early December but practically at that time I had been doing sleepovers 5/6 times a week for over a month).

His name is John. He is… from another country, let’s put it this way… (I am trying real hard to be understanding and open-minded with Yankees lately). He is slightly older than me, which is somehow felt in the relationship but the age difference is not troubling us too much – troubling me too much. I don’t think I mentioned his age to my mum, though. Unconscious fear? Probably – liar. Anyway, I have nothing to worry about cos… my mother is coming on March 13^th and she is obviously staying here with us. She will have to meet and sleep under the same roof with my gorgeous 36-yo African American boyfriend. Some CPR will be required, I am afraid. In my conversations with her I kinda overlooked these little unimportant details about him.

It seems that I am going to have quite some visits, not only mummy – I know mummy sounds very 6yo, but for fuck’s sake I live all alone on the other side of the world, I am allowed to miss my mother and call her mummy, aren’t I?

My friend Silvia is coming at the end of February and she’s gonna stay until my mother leaves at the end of March.

The three of us are going to have an intense 10-day trip up to Brisbane and Byron Bay, Cairns and the Barrier Reef Islands, the desert around Alice Spring and the Ayers Rock. Silvia and I are also flying to Tasmania for three days shortly after the Mardi Gras which is at the beginning of March.

As if my mother was not enough, my dad decided he wants to go on vacation in June so he is also coming over for a couple of weeks or so with a friend of his. In August then Laura and some friends will stop by to say hi before starting their adventure up in Queensland and all the way to Darwin.

You might start asking: doesn’t this guy have a job???

I am afraid I do… My internship is ending at the end of the month. My manager asked me to stay but she won’t be able to sponsor me, which is fine with me cos I have another project going on that’ll allow me to stay here in Australia and extend my visa. I have not decided whether I am going to accept her offer or not. I am going to send out some resumes soon. I will see what they come back with and I will make my decision. No rush. I know that I always have that door open with her, so I need not worry that much. Sometimes if you plan things too tightly, you’re gonna be disappointed cos nothing will ever go the way you though it would. You must allow some leeway and go with the flow, I reckon.

Anyway, I will have to find a way to keep myself busy with until I start university – yes you heard me! – at the end of July. I lodged the application just days ago and I am waiting for their offer. Keep your fingers crossed for me, please.

It’s gonna be either two or three semesters, depending on what master they assigned me. Hopefully it’ll be three. I will keep you posted.

My life here is quite simple – which is well different from humdrum. After all those troublesome months last (European) summer, I really need – physically and mentally above all – a break. Having a solid routine I can count on is important to me at this stage. Trying to put your life together and starting anew, I need to focus a lot and I feel this is what’s right for me now. I like it.

I have also approached yoga more seriously. I have 5/6 classes a week. It gets quite intense some nights. It really depends on the teacher, I reckon: Some of them can give you those little tips and help you focus on some particular aspects of either the postures or of your breathing and this is really useful; it can really make a difference.

Yoga is really having a great impact on my life. I am not fanatic about it, I simply like it and it makes me feel damn good. Dead tired but good. I am getting better at standing postures which require quite some balance. It takes time. Also my flexibility has improved a little – still a long way to go, though. It’s only been four months but quite surprisingly I have been attending regularly. John puts me down and says I still have my little belly I’ve been carrying around since Iceland. I don’t know, I don’t care much if the body changes, as long as I feel connected to it in such a good way, I really couldn’t give a damn to be honest. Who needs a perfect body when you’re sleeping with one? Nonsense…

The studio I go to offers quite a lot of extra workshops, retreats and training courses (some really intense and requiring some serious commitment). I am going to do some, I’m sure they won’t make any harm. It’s all so expensive, though. Now that everything’s on me, I really have to be careful on how I spend my money – rent, food, yoga, fun, flight ticket back home in December... Little by little…

Good news is that I am going to keep working even after classes started. Not full time though: I will cut back to 30 hours per week which is alright since classes are mainly at night. I have to make a living somehow.

Sometimes I do feel a little lonely cos since I don’t go to university and I work full time, I don’t have much time and chances to make new friends. Most of the people I know are John’s friends that I am still getting to know time after time. I am not complaining, though. I get along pretty well with myself I admit. We have spent some very nice nights which sometimes reminded me of the Icelandic ones. They’re all good guys. Here are some shots from NYE’s fireworks we watched from the top terrace of a building in Potts Point. It was just mind-boggling. Worth jumping on a plane and flying for some 22 hours, believe me.

But actually Sydney is just a great city that has so much to offer. It is really a good place to come live. Sometimes in summer it can get real hot and reach 40’. But then you can find yourself walking around the city one night and it’s foggy and misty and muggy – and occasionally even a little chilly. Last week a yellowish fluorescent aura was looming over the city and I admired it jaw-dropped. I was on the north side, where the fun fair is. I love that spot. I always want to go for a walk from the city over the bridge to the Kirribilli and catch the ferry back to Circular Quay. I think it’s just one of the finest places on this planet. Ola and I would go for a hike often around the city, she’d like it a lot.

I am really glad that I receive some emails every now and then and I am still in touch with a lot of people that now I feel belong to my previous “life”. I also got some nice, small, precious presents for Christmas and I want to take the chance to say thank you. For the greeting cards and CDs and everything. It wasn’t easy spending that day here. John was just great and put a lot of effort into trying to make me feel as happy as he could. And he succeeded. I felt as happy as at that moment I could feel. I just wasn’t home. Which was kinda rough. Especially with my parents splitting up and all, I really had wished I could spend Christmas with them. This Christmas in particular. I felt awkward, not really in a Xmasy kinda mood. Thank God I wasn’t alone.