Probably simply because there is not much to talk about. Maybe THAT's the point.
I keep telling people evrything is fine when reality is way different. I go on asking myself the same question: what on earth did I put myself into? And I am not referring only to my relationship (which at the moment is not causing much trouble to be honest). It's the whole package that makes me feel rather insignificant, boring and lifeless.
Today I had a terrible thought: to me it would not make a difference if I were here, in England, sailing the Pacific or six feet under. It certainly would to other people but to me, well... It's pretty much the same. I have grown numb to most things and it's starting to kinda freak me out a little cos I have always thought of myself as sensitive and witty and active. Now not only do I feel like this but I know I am cos I act as such. It's terrible.
What the fuck's going on?
I keep wasting days, weeks and months basically living like a 80 yo who is done living and is awaiting to pass away. I know I shouldn't be talking like this but this is the first time I can actually say these things. Maybe some stupid venting will do me good.
I rarely go out. I don't have friends. I lead the most humdrum life you could think of. I am not satisfied and I feel tired inside. I am gaining weights and think no one can actually understand what I am going through cos nobody can get inside my head and read my mind.
I know there is so much I could do to put my life back together and I am positive that if I wanted to i could make things right in the blink of an eye. I know what I should do but I am so scared that I won't dare budge.
At times I even question my staying here in Australia, which until a few weeks ago, was the only thing I was 100% sure of. It feels like I am falling apart and I have neither the strength or the will to prevent that from happening. I am simply waiting on something to happen that could change my life.
I can find a million reasons to get up and do things, fill my days, be motivated and successful at what I do. I simply don't see the point of doing it despite those reasons. I just feel that is not enough. I just wanna be left alone and forgotten about.
A part of me is laughing out loud at this entry. One day I will read thi post and probably will laugh with him. Right now I wanna strangle that giggling asshole.
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